Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
