last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
only you would photoshop your dick
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
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I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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