And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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