i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
