To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
