goodnight i made you a song goodbye
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
