This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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