I cockslap morals
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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