Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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