Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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