So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
