i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
