If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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