I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
