That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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