That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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