i was born a porn star she said
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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