I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
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