Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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