I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
