it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
