I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
