Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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