I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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