Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I want a musical about memes.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
