Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
i believe in u and ur pee
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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