Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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