My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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