you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
