Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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