i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
