Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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