Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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