Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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