So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
