I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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