I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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