she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
