you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
