haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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