I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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