Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
So here I am, sexting at work.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
