I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
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