I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
