is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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