I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
God, I missed his penis.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
