I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
her vagine was all disorganized.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
