The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
