TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
