his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
