Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
