her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
