MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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