That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
