I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
