put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
