its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
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I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
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I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
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