Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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