coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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