I just threw up on my dentist
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
